Loving Someone With ADHD
If you don’t have ADHD and your partner does, the first thing you must realize is that your brains are more different than you may initially think.
You experience time differently. The easiest groove for the ADHD brain is the present moment, with looser connections to past and future. An hour to the non-ADHD brain can be like a few minutes to someone with ADHD. Time collapses.
The amount of effort the ADHD brain needs to exert to initiate, persist, and complete projects may be drastically different. This can be true even with stimulant use.
Distractibility may leave partners feeling quite lonely and even emotionally neglected in a relationship (Pera, 2008). This would especially be true for undiagnosed partners.
The good news is that early diagnosis and intervention can empower anyone with ADHD to have a healthy, long-term romantic relationship.
There is a trend of more children and adults being diagnosed. The number of students being diagnosed with attention-deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is on the rise. Estimated prevalence rates are up from 7 percent in the 1990s to 10 percent. The diagnosis of adults is now estimated to be four times higher than that of children; about 10.5 million Americans over 18 are living with ADHD.
There are three versions: inattentive, hyperactive/impulsive, and combined.
An ADHD assessment can be the first step toward not only a student’s academic success but also their social and romantic relationship success.
Eakin et al. (2004) reported that nearly all (96 percent) spouses of adults with ADHD felt their partner’s symptoms interfered with their functioning in one or more domains (e.g., general household organization, time management, child rearing, and/or communication) and nearly all (92 percent) also reported compensating in some way for their partners difficulties.
Gender Differences in Heterosexual Relationships
Robin and Payson (2002) found that:
Male non-ADHD partners rated their female ADHD partners as displaying more ADHD-related behaviors that negatively impact their relationships than female non-ADHD partners reporting on their male ADHD partners. Thus, women with ADHD are in relationships with more dissatisfied partners.
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Canu and Carlson (2003) showed that:
Female confederates, blind to ADHD status, perceived male college students with ADHD-Inattentive Presentation more negatively than peers with ADHD-Combined presentation or without ADHD, and were less willing to consider them as a dating partner and even desired to continue talking with them less.
Men and women diagnosed with ADHD as children, especially those with elevated current symptoms, are also at greater risk of being victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) (Guendelman et al., 2016; Wymbs et al., 2019). Altogether, ADHD has been shown repeatedly to be associated with relationship dissatisfaction, conflict, and IPV perpetration and victimization.
Emotion Regulation
While often overlooked as a symptom of ADHD, emotion dysregulation and challenges with frustration tolerance are of particular concern to adult romantic relationships.
Neuroimaging studies suggest individuals with ADHD have deficits in neural circuits regulating inhibitory control and emotional regulation. There appears to be excessive vagal reactivity with social triggers of emotion dysregulation. While findings aren’t always consistent, there are some links between respiratory sinus arrhythmia (RSA) reactivity and emotion dysregulation.
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Adults with ADHD appear to be more susceptible than adults without ADHD to discordant communication and problem solving with their partners during moments when their ability to inhibit aversive communication behavior is weakened. Relationships with at least one partner with ADHD increase the risk of higher conflict.
Comorbid Conditions
There is high comorbidity of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders for those with ADHD (Barkley et al., 2008). There are numerous ways an additional mood condition can contribute to relationship distress (i.e., dissatisfaction, poor communication, trouble problem-solving, IPV).
What You Should Do
There is an abundance of evidence that medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy work for those with ADHD. There are countless articles in this publication about the power of treatment.
Couples therapy would be an excellent option for a couple who wants to learn best practices in their relationship.
A note to my fellow couples therapists, it’s critical that you be mindful of the cognitive and emotional labor often shouldered by partners without ADHD. Supportive partners should be recognized for their efforts to take on extra responsibilities and tolerance of their partner’s minor, recurrent stress-inducing behavior (Pera, 2008).
All of us should appreciate the unseen and unrecognized impact of ADHD on individuals, couples, and families right now. And we should celebrate getting the help we need to live our fullest potential.
Original article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-of-our-unions/202506/loving-someone-with-adhd